What meaning am I making of this?
I recently cancelled a retreat I was planning to host.
First I cancelled the full weekend event, and offered a one-day retreat. Then I needed to cancel that one too. Only a few people registered for each event - not enough to be successful.
There are so many reasons why people couldn't attend. Finances, schedules, or simply not having the emotional capacity right now. I knew it wasn't personal. I'd hosted a sold-out event just a few months before, so I knew that people had the desire to participate.
Throughout the difficult process of deciding to cancel both events, I kept asking myself: "What meaning am I making of this?" I was always grateful that the answer was nothing more than logistics and legitimate barriers. My mind never created a meaning that hurt my feelings or discouraged me.
Our minds are very good at connecting dots and finding meaning, even when it's not there. We want to see a reason for the things that happen. For someone like me whose work includes creating experiences for people, I'm always evaluating how people respond to the things I offer. I'm trying to find meaning so I can do better next time.
It makes me think of Susan David's work around emotional agility and the idea of being "hooked" by our thoughts. She says
"...they get hooked by undesirable thoughts and feelings, like fish caught on a line. This happens in one of two ways. They buy into the thoughts, treating them like facts (It was the same in my last job…I’ve been a failure my whole career), and avoid situations that evoke them (I’m not going to take on that new challenge)."
Susan talks about ways to avoid being hooked by these undesirable thoughts and feelings:
Recognize your patterns
Label your thoughts and emotions
Accept them
Focus on your values
I knew that canceling the retreat was going to bring up some negative thoughts for me, but I managed to stay “unhooked” from them. Coaching myself by asking myself “What meaning am I making of this?” was a great way to label the thoughts that bubbled up.
Where do you get hooked?
I see this when I work with clients who are dealing with baggage from past jobs. They want to start fresh in a new role, but they get hooked. We talk about patterns, and how they can recognize the triggers that bring forward the same responses they’ve had in the past.
Staying “unhooked” allows us to be calm and logical. We can choose how we respond, instead of constantly reacting.
It’s also helpful for making decisions. Rather than being hooked into judgements (your own or others) about the decision you’re making, you can be intentional and clear about the choices in front of you.
Releasing the October retreat without attaching any negativity to it has been such a gift for me. I’m grateful to move forward with positive energy and new ideas for group coaching and meaningful gatherings.
I invite you to try these self-coaching techniques for yourself and see where you can unhook.
You can always return to that powerful question: what meaning am I making of this?