Yesterday I wrote a draft blog about boundaries, but today when I re-read it, I realized it was so convoluted that it would be no use to anyone.
Boundaries are complicated like that.
I wrote a lot about boundaries back in April when I started this blog on Substack.
One of the key things I discovered as I wrote that series was that boundaries are all tied up (tangled up) with our self-worth. So if you want to successfully set and hold a boundary, you need to believe that you deserve it.
When I think about the experience I’ve had with setting and holding boundaries, the first thing that comes to mind is how noisy my thoughts become when I’m holding a boundary. My mind wants to make other people happy SO badly. It comes up with all kinds of reasons why I should give in.
Some of the things your mind might tell you include:
You can just let it go this once.
They won’t invite you again if you don’t go this time.
They’ll think you’re not dedicated to your job if you take your lunch break.
Maybe you’re being too high-maintenance.
It’s selfish to not offer to drive/host/attend.
This list is just scratching the surface.
In my long, meandering blog draft yesterday, my main point was this: The act of setting a boundary isn’t simple.
In order to successful set AND hold a boundary, you need to do three things:
Understand why you’re setting the boundary.
Be honest about the push-back you’re going to encounter and make a plan for them.
Be brave about how you’re going to successfully hold that boundary.
If you’ve got some serious boundaries to set, get some support. Friends, family, colleagues, a coach, or a therapist can all be helpful. Other people can provide you with perspective and give you a boost when you falter.